WE'RE THOSE GUYS YOU'VE HEARD ABOUT...
...the professional screenwriter who can't tell you the name of a movie he's written because none of them have gone into production yet.
But we're close.
We're WGA members, we've been hired to write three feature films to date (to include a dark thriller in development for Zac Efron's Ninjas Runnin' Wild) and we just closed a deal on our original one-hour television drama THE REVENGER with The Weinstein Company. Soon we'll be able to refer you to a badass flick or our show when we're asked "written anything I mighta seen?"
But, as many emerging professional writers can attest, it can take a while to get paid.
Like, FOREVER. And we're strapped. So here's what we're gonna do:
We're going to give you notes on your script for a nominal fee. But, being creatives who like to make every process as entertaining as possible, WE won't be giving you the notes — we're creating a character called the SCRIPT SERGEANT to do our dirty work. This way we eliminate the dance all note givers and receivers engage in: We will not spare your feelings. You will go into this with the understanding that you and your script will not be coddled, for coddling a script or writer is not helping. We will provide broad-stroke, fundamental, game-changing notes on what works, what doesn't, and why.
This is the R. Lee Ermey of screenplay consultations. We are not "gurus" who've never written anything. We're not produced writers who feel we can justify charging hundreds or thousands for our notes (though we argue they're worth that). We're storytellers. We're writers in the trenches who know the business and the art/craft of screenwriting inside and out. And we "give damn good note."
Through our avatar The Sarge, we'll tear your script a new asshole. We'll break it down and build it back up, and put a microscope on its flaws (which every script has). And maybe even help you laugh at yourself in the process (a vital ingredient to success in this minefield of an industry).
So, without further ado... allow us to introduce you to:
THE SCRIPT SERGEANT
So, you wrote a screenplay... how precious. Fresh off the bus, weak-chinned, pissin’ his skivvies cryin’ for mama’s flapjacks back home in Toledo — this script of yours is a snot-nosed little punk.
It’s my job to make him a man.
I’m gonna shave that Nancy hair off his thick-skulled, pud-pullin' head. I'll have him cleanin' commodes with his toothbrush and askin' for more. I’m gonna run him until he pukes his pink little guts into a pretty little pile. I’m gonna drill him, this "script" of yours. I’m gonna push him to the brink, over the edge, tear him down and build him back up proper. He’s gonna square away his footlocker with the utmost attention to detail or so help me God, this boot of mine’s gonna need another shinin’ because I will bury it so far up his fat, pasty ass he’ll be pissin’ blood like a Saigon whore on her monthly. He’s gonna tongue-shine his boots and shoulder his ruck and fire his weapon with the deadliest of aim when I'm through.
There’s others you can go to, sure. You can hire some scum suckin’ college boy know-it-all who’s never stepped foot in the shit. You can spend all your time attendin’ socials and reading the limp-dick dough boy scripts of your shitbird buddies in exchange for their "opinions." You can, Lord Almighty, give your hard-earned cash to some snakeoil "guru" — but why in Jesus Christ’s cherished fuckin’ name would you entertain such an idea?
WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION?!
This is WAR, goddamnit! We're tempering steel — you want to train a man to soldier before you send ‘em out onto the field of battle, you don’t take ‘em to a god damned florist!!
You bring ‘em to me.
Look alive, maggots.
*NOTE: Most clients prefer to receive straight notes without The Sarge's voice, and this is now our default method of delivering them (though we will always include The Sarge's "Major Malfunctions" as part of our critique). However, if you truly desire the theatrics and audacity of The Sarge, we are more than willing to lambast you through the character.
***SCROLL TO BOTTOM FOR RATES AND SUBMISSION INSTRUCTIONS***
"Brutal. Honest. Funny. Beyond helpful. If you want a script reader who takes prisoners and keeps darlings alive, go give your hard earned money to some overpriced softie for some jerk-off advice. If you want no-holds barred honesty, with a cutting look into the heart and guts of your story, see the Sarge — major malfunctions be damned."
— Tim Mannion, Screenwriter of BRAKE
"The Script Sarge's notes force you to swallow the red pill and discover the harsh reality of your project's strengths and weaknesses, but in doing so their notes lead you down a rabbit hole crammed with well-drawn ideas and possibilities for your story that you'd have never otherwise dreamed of. His notes also steer you clear from the blue pill's ignorant illusion that your screenplay is already the best it can be and doesn't require further drafting. Script Sarge is gold and value for money."
— Evan Randall Green, Screenwriter of THE PACK
"If you're sick and tired of trying to figure out that "note behind the note" you've been getting from other readers, who either don't know enough about screenwriting to know what they're talking about, or they're just too afraid to tell you what you need to know then Script Sarge is the knock-you-on-your-ass, take-no-prisoner, no frills site you've secretly been craving. These guys take the guesswork out of script notes, so you can spend more time implementing their wonderful and extensive notes, rather than trying to figure out any number of other nightmare possibilities vague notes can bring."
— Tony Chassion, "Top 50" Nicholl Semifinalist
FOLLOW THE SARGE ON FACEBOOK + TWITTER
RATES & TURNAROUND TIMES
SCRIPT SERGEANT (the Thornton Brothers) will tear your screenplay a new asshole (provide notes) for a mere:
$1.00 per page
Turnaround time is subject to volume of submissions and our own workload, so notes may take as long as two weeks to be issued (but they're worth it). We will do our best to turn them around quicker than that, of course. That said, if you are closing in on a contest deadline or have a professional request for the script and want last minute Expedited Service before submitting:
DOUBLE-TIME IT! 48-hour turnaround on notes for:
$50.00 flat fee
DETAILED PROOFREADING. If you are not a native English speaker or you're a bit haphazard on your spelling and grammar, we also offer detailed notes on grammar/spelling/turn-of-phrase for an additional:
$50.00 flat fee
Click the button below or email us at ScriptSgt@gmail.com with your attached file, a logline, and a couple of tonal comparisons (THIS meets THAT) if possible so that we know what you're after going in — then Paypal the commensurate fee (page number in $US + "Double Time" if applicable + Proofreading if applicable) to email@example.com.